So that’s what is wrong with me…

In my life, I’ve always been highly goal driven, looking at what could be in the future and working toward it without hesitation, making plans and executing them well, and having a hefty dose of optimism. But these last 8 months, have been near torturous. I have never felt so unsure of myself ; what my purpose is, what my path should be in life, if I want to continue in my current line of work, if I want to live where I live – everything has been questioned. It’s STILL being questioned.

A friend shared an article the other day, and out of curiosity I clicked it. It was about having an Existential Crisis – and HOLY. CRAP. It all made sense. That is what I have been wrestling with! I’ve always been so much of a Do-er, I didn’t have time to have an existential crisis, or even learn what it was.

This article might as well have been written about what I’d been feeling in every area of life.  I , as a person, am changing. So now everything that is part of my life, is also in question. Because I have done a lot of work on getting more aware of my own feelings, I have thankfully not done too much harm to my family in the  process. No crazy out-of-control spending, Facebook ex-boyfriend stalking, or torrid affairs – but a lot of angst on my part.  Having no clear path or goal that I was certain of makes me irritable, short tempered, moody, and not a whole lot of fun.

So how did I get here? It wasn’t any huge traumatic event in my life, but more a series of events that have made me question if I was on MY right path. Growing my home business to a decent size, but losing the joy in it along the way; the painful and unexpected break off of a very long friendship; the evolution of my personal beliefs that make me feel alone in my highly conservative and evangelical town; turning 39 and dealing with a whole new range of hormones ( that one is a real doozy ) ; realizing that my beauty was starting to fade, and so with it American society’s sense of value as a woman ; so many things lining up at just the right time, in a perfect storm of upheaval and questioning.

If you want to be the very best version of yourself you can be, I think it is inevitable to have some sort of existential conundrum or full on crisis. Wanting to be a better person, partner, spouse, HUMAN – makes you confront all the things that are less than about yourself.
– I have had a tendency to be quick to judge, but now I often seek to understand.
– I have never considered myself beautiful, but now realize just how much outward attractiveness has affected my sense of worth.
– I have pursued my goals relentlessly, but often without communication and inclusion of my spouse and family.

Knowing that I am not alone, that I am not broken, is helping me navigate this. I feel like I have a starting point from which to move forward. I will  keep reading all the books, articles, watching the TedTalks, and spending hours writing as I continue seeking to understand myself . I will battle against the desire to isolate myself, and seek to spend time with those who I feel or desire a connection with. I will write, and hope that it helps even one person to read my words.
If you know what I’m talking about, I hope you will share what has or is helping you, and that we can all navigate it well, together.
With love –

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