Today is Mother’s Day.
I waited 7 years after getting married to have my first baby , and I was so incredibly ready. A week in and I sobbed to my husband ” I don’t know how to do this!” . It was a bit of a rough start, and I wasn’t sure of anything , but, somehow we did it . Every week got easier, due in large part to an awesome support group I found in my town. My sweet, curly headed girl was all chub and joy and giggles. I loved every single minute with her little squishy self, even with all the first time parent challenges.
Then we had our 2nd – and she had a mind of her own from before she was ever born. She decided to make her appearance in a lightning fast labor of 45 minutes, with me delivering her alone in the shower. She was tiny and perfect, and after 2 weeks, became the hardest of what would be my 4 babies. She cried for hours, and then months on end, no matter what I did. Friends would come and hold her just to give me a break, but it was 6 months until we were able to figure out what was behind her constant pain and crying. She became a tiny bundle of sweet and sassy baby, and has continued to be full of both.
Our 3rd baby turned out to be our first boy. I was so nervous , thinking that I couldn’t make it through another baby like our 2nd. Thankfully when he made his appearance, my brown eyed boy was the most calm and laid back baby a momma could ask for. He cried when he was hungry or tired, and that was it. We could haul him anywhere, move him from car seat to bed without a peep – everything about his babyhood was beautiful and easy, and I am so thankful to have had that experience.
Our 4th was another boy, and he has been the epitome of sweetness from the moment he was born. Even our midwife remarked on it, and he has been my blue eyed momma’s boy ever since. This little bundle of sweet adorableness, has humbled me most as Mom. This last of our little rabble is the kid who taught me to love, accept, and support all moms exactly where they are at. He made me wonder if I had ANY clue what I was doing as a mom. 4 kids in, and he made me feel like a beginner, creating chaos, havoc, and endless amounts of laughter along the way.
I am often exhausted and overwhelmed, especially with the added challenges of being a special needs mom, and honestly there have been more than a few days I’ve cried over dinner preparations. This mothering thing is so damn hard at times.
But then there are the 6:30 am snuggle sessions with my littlest, the only time he is still; the bedtime snuggles with my anxious 9 year old where he tells me about his day ; the moments where my 11 year old rambles on to me about her current favorite anime with her face full of joy ; the deep philosophical conversations with my 13 year old about climate change, gay rights, and how she’s trying to make friends when her social anxiety makes her want to hide away.
Those are the things that make my heart achingly full and make me so freaking happy to get to be their mom. It’s also what keeps me from screeching profanities when the trampoline has once again become an epic blood-drawing cage fight as I’m trying to make dinner. At least most of the time. 😉
With Love –
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